Written by: Jane
Tue Jan 03 2023
At the age of 22, I made a big decision on my own to move abroad to pursue higher education. I arranged almost everything on my own and thanks to the government scholarship I could afford to step out of my developing country to see what it is like in a developed world. Honestly, I bearly knew the country at that time. I only wished to get to experience living sometimes somewhere in Europe. Fortunately, I passed the tests and interviews which led to a life-changing opportunity. The terrifying part was knowing that I would completely be all by myself in a completely new city in which a different language is spoken. I calmed myself down and said to myself that it would be for two years only. It would be the most memorable experience in my entire life - in my 20s.
But who knows? After living here for two years, I decided to continue because of the great job opportunity. There, I told myself it would just only for a few years to gain working experience with a giant tech company. Then, I started to really like my team, the working environment, the benefit, my managers' leadership style, and the fast-growing surrounding. On top of that, I like the European lifestyle. The freedom, independence, non-toxic, and open society are just what I had been yearning for. I like living here. I love the quietness and calmness here where nobody would poke their noses at my personal life unlike that of my society. From what I have noticed so far, outer materials are not really big things here. Very few percent of people live a life valuing luxurious objects. People balance work and life outside of work quite well here. They are living and enjoying their life. Well, needless to say, it is a developed country. The education system, transportation, healthcare, infrastructure so on and so forth are better and make it easy for their people to pretty much do anything they want. There are more educated people here as well. It is true that this country is better in many ways than my country.
But but but... I still feel lonely, miss out, and isolated from time to time. I am confused about where I will be living in the future. Moving back home will certainly nurture my soul as I originally belong there. I have my family, relative, and friends. I will speak my own language, eat my favorite foods and fully blend in. But it comes with the price of losing the calmness, freedom, independence, privilege at work, the privilege to travel, and many better opportunities. Will I be able to survive the toxic environment back there?
Visiting home last year triggered my thoughts so much about this dilemma. Although I was fully comfortable living with my parent, I missed living alone a lot. At that moment, I felt like everybody drained my energy. I just wanted to come back as soon as possible. I was not productive at all. Once I arrived back here, I felt lost again. It was so quiet and isolated again.
I have only a few friends here. Every now and then I got lost in thought of what if they moved somewhere else, what if they did not want to be friends with me anymore, or who I really could count on. I was scared. Deep down, I am not strong. I want to be with my people.
Nevertheless, will I be better off if moving back home? I really don't know. I tend to believe that it will not. I assume that once you are moving away from home then it is really hard to settle again. The price of being an ex-pat comes with the missing piece in my soul. I might never be able to fulfill the whole puzzle so I hope that the choice I made or will make fulfill the large portion of the puzzle.
Am I regretting my decision? Would it be easier not to move anywhere? Would it be anything different if I never experienced this situation? Would I be happy if I just studied in my country, got a simple job, and created my small family?
A very big sight here ~
Anyway, there is no turning back. I will embrace everything. I should not overthink too much and in return, I must be grateful for this experience.
I do not think that my mind would be calmer anywhere else. After all, this is the stage of life that is full of questions, confusion, and finding answers. I really miss home today...