Written by: Jane
Fri Sep 01 2023
Last month, my friend moved back to her home country. I had mixed feelings when she told me at first. I thought eventually the time came. The time that I have always been scared of.
Throwback, I met her first time in class. She looked happy, pretty, and very confident walking toward me and sat right there next to me. At that moment, I knew I wouldn't be alone in this new country. We got closer and closer together as time went by. We became good friends, best friends, travel companions, roommates, and sisters. We went through difficulties in school, COVID time, job searching, and even about boys LOL. After some time, I moved out of the dorm first but she still stayed there. She started to get pretty busy with her job. We hang out less and less and sometimes I admit feeling pissed off because of that. I tried to understand her situation and accept it. I think at that time I already started preparing myself for the time that she actually left. Of course, I have other friends and best friends as well but my cycle is still small. I guess I started to be more independent. When she was busy and couldn't travel with me, I went ahead and did my solo trip. I wandered around the mall, supermarket, and bookstore by myself. I cooked, ate my food, and watched the movies alone. I did the assignment to make sure I would be okay with this moment. I have been all fine. The point is her existence in this country is enough to comfort me. So when she told me again that the decision was now final, I didn't feel anything. I took it quite well but you know what I was in a denial state. Until the day she departed, I sent her off at the train station. I felt light and weird and cold. I think it's a new emotion. I never felt that before. The narrator in my mind kept whispering to me that I would be lonely, friendless, and bored.
The truth is I have my boyfriend and other good friends. I am not lonely. Normally after feeling like that, my coping mechanism was assuring myself that it's okay to not have friends or to be alone. That time was different, I opened my messenger and wrote to some of my old friends from school hoping to reconnect with them. I didn't get a timely response. That broke me right there. Then I thought maybe I should move back too. That was stupid of me. And the fact is after I got a reply and asked to hang out immediately. I could not make it. I could not go because I have my language class, and yoga class and I will be with my boyfriend on the weekend. Then I realized I underrated being alone. I actually need more of that. This Wednesday I went to my boyfriend's friends for dinner and had to miss my yoga class. I am now desperate to find a replacement slot for that. But don't get me wrong, I had such a good time there. The food, dessert, and drink were really good.
A month has gone by since she left, and I think my feeling is getting better. I hope her new journey will be pleasant and I hope we can meet each other again.